I’ve fallen into an entanglement of emotional and mental turmoil; a single point in my life which forks off into two very different lives. Both options hold the likelihood of prosperity and a painful death. Nothing more exists, but complete discord from reason and rationale. I’m uncertain as whether to choose A or B and I do realize that remaining stagnant upon my own dilemma purgatory is unproductive and currently eroding away at my success in one or both directions.

Furthermore, I digress to announce that much of living world is eating away at my very soul, leaving me world weary and to gently dab at the idea of euthanasia. Upon rational observation, anyone could calculate and dissect every conflict and intervention to be a mere product of it’s very own environment. Every action and reaction is based upon a set of variables; be it mechanical, biological, social, etcetera. I am not a disciple of any gods, but if one were to know the very mechanisms and history of everything, there would be no prediction, but simply knowing. With knowing, one could bend, shape, and shift, their very life into whatever they please. Cold hardened indisputable knowledge is something that I hunger for, but at the same time the thought of it sickens me. I feel like I’m playing with hot glass and I don’t know what I’m building. It could shatter at any minute and leave me with nothing but a face full of shrapnel.

I want to know who I am and where I’m going.
I want to feel content and happy.
I want to be free from chains ropes and other hinderances, be they of physical or mental materials.
I want to fly.

I’m reading too many books. All I’ve been doing on my free time is cooking, running, lifting, and reading.

I’m currently randomly reading:
Dracula by Bram Stoker
Dinosaur Training by Brooks D Kubik
Dream Psychology by Sigmund Freud
Fevre Dream by George R R Martin
Book of Five Rings by Miyamoto Musashi
The Game by Neil Strauss
Sun Tzu: Art of War

This week I have read and finished:
Hedge Knight by George R R Martin
Hedge Knight II: Sworn Sword by George R R Martin

Emotions are simply energy caught in motion within the body and mind. Within this point in my life, due to all of these cycling phases of strong, powerful feelings, I often feel immobilized and unable to conjure up the need, desire, and drive to move forward. Right before me lays a basic footprint and idea of what I want to achieve and the tools to attain them and yet I feel so caught up and congested with emotion to even begin my journey to success.

It’s comfortable to be hidden among books, walls, and electronic devices, however they are hindrances to finding a way to live beyond such travesty as isolation. Being comfortable never brought anyone success beyond that of which is spoon fed to them, I need to learn to channel my intensity away from comfort and despise it in all entirety. Fearlessness is much more suiting quality for that of what I wish to pursue.

You know what I saying?

Today is the one year anniversary of my Grandfather’s death and surprisingly time really does fly by. He had Parkinson’s disease and was suffering a lot from all the damage he did by smoking and heavy drinking in his younger years. Parkinson’s crippled him and hindered his ability to speak without stuttering, although his mind was still completely there. Imagine being imprisoned within your own body and having absolutely no control. I do miss him, but I’m glad that he didn’t have to suffer more than he did.

I visited his grave today and remembered going with him and my Grandmother to visit our ancestors. During our yearly visits, my Grandfather would walk off to the side by himself to lay flowers upon the graves of his many friends. As a child, this often brought the question to my mind of whether one day I would outlive my friends and have to do the same. The simple thought is unfathomable.

Life’s ups and downs have left me battle-scarred and world weary. I’ve fell into a slump of depression and because of it, there happens to be a lot of aggression built within me. Every single night at approximately midnight, I’ve been running the perimeter of Central Park at night. Part jogging, part sprinting, it’s a great way to clear my mind and move as fast as I possibly can. The park, the street, the night is all mine to myself. Some people would argue that it could be unsafe, but I’m a man, 6′ and 195 lbs. I don’t carry any money or cellphones on me. If anyone wants to kill me, go ahead, I drag you down to hell with me.

Once again, I’m uncertain of where exactly life is taking me, but I’m not going to end it by my own hands. My only objective of the present time is to get stronger and faster. A madman, a berserker, a true animal is able to work oneself into such a rage that it can release the mental brakes and surpass all previously assumed capabilities. I don’t feel well, but I’ll make the best of things.

I enjoy meals the most when I cook for myself. My grandmother has been visiting every weekday for the past month because of family issues and has been making dinners. It’s really irritating, because there is no kind way to tell her no or just cook my own food when she’s hovering around the kitchen. To me, eating meals lacking in protein and flavor seems like a complete waste of time and stomach real estate. Eat strong if you want to be strong, eat shit if you want to be shit.

If you’re slowly j-walking across Kingsway on a Sunday morning at 3:00 AM, while holding a can of beer and shrugging at me with the assholish “You want to fight?” look, then you are clearly fucking nuts. Of course, the sensible thing for me to do was to swerve around this skinhead and press on the horn. However, if it were someone with an irrationaly bad temperment I’m sure they would have savored flattening him into the pavement.

Haha, I have mastered the art of grilling 1.5″ thick pork chops.

On Saturday morning, between the hours of 3:00-6:00 AM the underground parkade of my apartment building had 21 cars broken into. Luckily, my car was completely untouched, for it is clean, tidy, and holds nothing of significant monetary value. My trunk has had the torsion rods removed for over a year and weighs a good 40 lbs+, meaning that if a thief were to get it open, they could end up getting their neck broken with a surprise guillotine.

I came home at approximately 3:00 AM and was unable to see or hear anything, however I’ve been wondering what I would have done if I were to meet these perpetrators. One of the obvious things to do would be to call the police, but they can really take their sweet time. Being an overly rational being, 99.9% of the time I would probably call them and barricade the entrance/exit of the lot with my car.

I keep wondering, what if I were given such an opportunity to exercise vigilance upon these thieves? If I was at the end of my rope, with no light at the end of the tunnel, my black heart wholly filled and eyes like blazing fire, I cannot clearly explain the details of which excellence my heart would lust to do upon them. It’s a very carnal instinct within, hungering and thirsting to set wrong upon the wicked, of course such monsters within can only dream of being fed. Surely, they could have guns and shoot me right between the eyes, which is why I would only seek recklessly to kill them if I wanted to die.

We live in a world of laws made to protect us, but in turn, many a time they protect those who would often be maimed and slaughtered in many other countries. It has been proven that cruel times breed cruel people, but sometimes they’re a cancer that should inevitably be stopped.