August 27, 2008
-
I'll be honest. I truly am a coward when it comes to the miraculous activity that many of us choose to part take in, called "living."
It's not so easy, unless you already have everything you could ever want and need spoon fed to you. But, that's cheating. (When I use cheats while playing computer games, I'll usually get bored and stop playing.)
I'm a struggler. With my mind I can conquer anything when I'm ready to keep pushing, until I actually do succeed. The bad thing about it, is that I can't always find the motivation to move me. When I really want it, it is mine. When I need it to some extent, I may not succeed due to the lack of motivation. Due to the lack of motivation, I fail. Due to my failures, I become scared.
---------------------------------------------------------------
On the other side of the coin, I can't fear death. I know the day will come and all people must die. Perhaps that's what we call youth, which leads me to be so naive and reckless. I used to believe in, "I have never died, thus I shall never die." That was ignorant, I know.
My recklessness is my false courage, it is the strength which enables me to do things that many cannot.
You can't fear heights when you want to die. Aggressive people (bullies which push and shout at complete strangers) become an absolute pleasure to deal with. While they may want to release their pain and stress upon others through their physical or verbal violence, I crave for them to hurt me and give me legitimate reasoning take them down twice as hard.
Pain simply becomes a pleasure which reminds us that we are still living and leads us to believe that we're one step closer we are to dying. When you lose the capacity to fear death by losing the need to live, you truly do become dangerous. A ticking time bomb waiting to explode. I've known it in the past. But, I'm not at that stage anymore.
Young people always have potential to attain more from life. I can still do many things. I do not want or need to die, I have conquered that. But, I have no need to fear it.
The quality of my life has improved. But, I can still be pushed to madness. My vision will blur during fits of rage, along with salivating over fantasies of flaying people alive. I have a violent mind, but in this physical reality I'm somewhat of a pacifist. If you do something, do it right. Go all out. If you want to punch someone through your little temper tantrums, why not go all out and flay them alive? Hack each and every joint and tendon, pull off their skin and smash their skulls into little pieces! I can't bring myself to attacking someone without completely mutilating them. I couldn't do it. But, once you do that your life is pretty much over, due to the fact we have these things called "laws," which in turn make killing people illegal.
So, to sum it up. I'm a reckless coward, a pacifist, and a fantasy murderer.
Comments (6)
Are you invincible too?
~*Somehow...I enjoyed reading this entry.
I saw death in a black cat. it was nothingness. so i agree, the pain at least shows us that we are still alive.
There are a lot of worse things than death-- death is kinda nice in the way that it just releases of you of any other contracts. If I was gonna get hit by a bus right now, sure. It'd suck. But I wouldn't be afraid if I didn't see it coming, and I think that'd be a lot easier for me to deal with than climbing a mountain when I'm afraid of heights.
I think it's very seldom that people are actually afraid of death-- it's the stuff that leads up to it, or the stuff that people wanted to lead up to it (but didn't) that makes them feel all that regret and/or fear.
And I know it's probably not statistically true but you know what they say about most people prefering to die rather than do public speaking heh
I don't think that not being afraid of death means that you can do anything, nor do I beleive that the converse is true.
I think being afraid of dying is what makes fighting important actually. If you don't care about dying, there's really no reason to fight anymore, because you're not really trying to preserve anything.
You might think that you don't have courage to do any living, and though you say you're not afraid of dying it sorta sounds like you are, but that's a good thing. That you want to kick the shit out of someone is sorta like saying that nobody's gonna take that from you, so it must mean that you have something or some sense of potential that you want to protect. That's a start.
Don't give me ideas if it's all talk. *squashes Goombas*
RYC: Yes, I am SO going to Vancouver for the sole purpose of getting energy drinks! ¬_¬??
@Vitamin_D -
Not yet.
Comments are closed.