I'll be honest. I truly am a coward when it comes to the miraculous activity that many of us choose to part take in, called "living."

It's not so easy, unless you already have everything you could ever want and need spoon fed to you. But, that's cheating. (When I use cheats while playing computer games, I'll usually get bored and stop playing.)

I'm a struggler. With my mind I can conquer anything when I'm ready to keep pushing, until I actually do succeed. The bad thing about it, is that I can't always find the motivation to move me. When I really want it, it is mine. When I need it to some extent, I may not succeed due to the lack of motivation. Due to the lack of motivation, I fail. Due to my failures, I become scared.

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On the other side of the coin, I can't fear death. I know the day will come and all people must die. Perhaps that's what we call youth, which leads me to be so naive and reckless. I used to believe in, "I have never died, thus I shall never die." That was ignorant, I know.

My recklessness is my false courage, it is the strength which enables me to do things that many cannot.

You can't fear heights when you want to die. Aggressive people (bullies which push and shout at complete strangers) become an absolute pleasure to deal with. While they may want to release their pain and stress upon others through their physical or verbal violence, I crave for them to hurt me and give me legitimate reasoning take them down twice as hard.

Pain simply becomes a pleasure which reminds us that we are still living and leads us to believe that we're one step closer we are to dying. When you lose the capacity to fear death by losing the need to live, you truly do become dangerous. A ticking time bomb waiting to explode. I've known it in the past. But, I'm not at that stage anymore.

Young people always have potential to attain more from life. I can still do many things. I do not want or need to die, I have conquered that. But, I have no need to fear it.

The quality of my life has improved. But, I can still be pushed to madness. My vision will blur during fits of rage, along with salivating over fantasies of flaying people alive. I have a violent mind, but in this physical reality I'm somewhat of a pacifist. If you do something, do it right. Go all out. If you want to punch someone through your little temper tantrums, why not go all out and flay them alive? Hack each and every joint and tendon, pull off their skin and smash their skulls into little pieces! I can't bring myself to attacking someone without completely mutilating them. I couldn't do it. But, once you do that your life is pretty much over, due to the fact we have these things called "laws," which in turn make killing people illegal.

So, to sum it up. I'm a reckless coward, a pacifist, and a fantasy murderer.

...Is a shitty day.

Will I remember it in the future?

Probably not.

For the past year I've been driving my grandfather's 1992 Nissan Maxima. It runs great with only 77,000 KMS on it. (It had 66,000 when I started with it.) He took really good care of this car and I've done about the same. I clay bar and wax regularly. 3rd generation is probably the best looking Maxima ever made. Although, I wish it was an SE with the 190 hp
VE engine. There's two reasons I've been considering trading it in.

#1 being that it's 15 years old and parts are wearing down. I need to replace a window regulator, reinstall the trunk's torsion rods, and get a new ABS actuator. There's one dent on the side door that I'm still considering hiring a PDR for. This car's ABS is dead; no problem, I just use my "human ABS" when the roads are slick. If I wanted to continuously replacing things, by the time I spend a $1000 here and a $1000 there I may as well just buy a new car. I don't have a garage, I live in an apartment.

#2 being that I want MANUAL TRANSMISSION. I figure if I own one car with manual transmission, I can drive almost any car for the rest of my life. If I was a mechanic and/or had a garage to swap the transmission and such I'd probably keep this car.

I've been constantly looking up cars in the newspapers and online and I'm not 100% set on what I want. I would like a used WRX, but if I cheap out I might just look into something else. I wish Suzuki sold SX4 with turbo...

I read this off of DIGG.COM and at first, I thought it was really intelligent. So intelligent, that I thought it was some sort of riddle and I had to read it twice to make any sense of it with my simpleton mind. In some ways it works out, for I believe that homophobes are actually gays in need of a good raping. But, it over generalizes too much and is easy to logically prove incorrect.

According to what the image says, you are whatever you hate. Do you hate hardcore drug addicts or child rapists? If so, you are one or two!

Thank you, Hermann Hesse.

I'm going crazy.

I'm nervous and shaky.

I need to throw some heavy weights.

Or maybe kill someone.

SOmethings making my heart beat really fast.

Something won't let me stop sweating.

It can't be the heat.

Maybe, It's the caffeine...

I need something to stop this.

Going nuts.

Can't think straight.

Can't get anything done.

My ears are still plugged up and everythings dizzy since I got off the airplane two weeks ago.

I've been slowly hauling out my room for an upgrade. Over the years, I've accumulated so much shit and my room is freaking tiny to begin with. When my room is cramped, my mind feels cramped. Plus, I don't even have a bed! It's just a mattress on the floor. Soon in time, everything will be well and my world shall be a better place.

Yesterday, I was at a coffee shop and some Asian woman across the room was taking pictures of herself with her laptop. Then, she starts browsing through her folder of older pictures and the pictures begin to get more and more topless until she is completely topless. She spent about 2 seconds looking at each picture. I wasn't being a peeping tom, her screen just happened to be in my peripheral view while I was having a conversation with someone.

I've noticed that a vast amount of douche bags beginning to prosper during the summer season. They may be seen fashioning big sunglasses, bandannas, shawls, popped collars, unbuttoned shirts, affliction or tap out t-shirts, and baggy pants with ass pockets below their ass and one leg rolled up. I've seen many of them down south, but I'm sure many of them are finding ways to sneak across our border.

Every single summer there's ice cream trucks driving all over around my building. I live in an apartment building in a tower! Who the hell is going to jump off their balcony and sky dive X amount of levels to get your stupid ice cream? Stop playing "Pop Goes The Weasel" and "The Entertainer"! I hate ice cream truck music.

http://www.athlists.com/?p=36

I was watching some sort of women's gymnastics yesterday and I knew those "at least 16 year old" Chinese girls looked like they're 7. Either way, USA got pwned by China.

Over a month ago I went to Whole Foods, which is supposed to be like a high end supermarket that caters to rich people. Yeah, I'm not rich, but I like good food. So, I decided to buy broccoli for dinner. I took the shit home and boiled it in chicken broth and when it was done cooking I found a million aphids that fell out of hiding. Fucking organic! So I decided not to buy organic broccoli ever again.

A couple of days ago I made NON-ORGANIC broccoli with my dinner. When I poured it all out into the colander I found a maggot. Fuck.