May 23, 2008

• Lately, I've been teetering on and off the very edge of losing my mind. Just a few days ago I came to the conclusion that I really am unstable. Much of my life I've been one to keep to myself and hold back my feelings and thoughts to myself to prevent burdening others with my grief. I'm probably one of the most self-reliant people that I know. If trouble strikes, I'll would rather struggle by myself and die through thick and thin than to ask for help. But, alas I'm fortunate to have someone to talk to, someone I trust to tell my stories to. I almost completely lost it last weekend, stopped eating and just wanted to end it all. Now, I'm back on track. Sleeping regularly helps a lot.

  Under no circumstances would I consider myself to be "emo". I fucking hate worthless garbage people who whine or complain about the simplest things when they could easily get their shit together and just do it themselves. I don't hurt my body for others to see and feel pity upon my pain, I find that ridiculously stupid. I may get pissed off when I'm by myself and pound away at concrete or steel walls (which cannot be damaged) with my bare hands once in a while. Sometimes, I'll take it out on my skull and I'm amazed at how durable it is. But, shit, I try not to do that anymore because I made a promise.

  The pressure in my brain is being violently wrenched tighter, my muscles are becoming stiffer. If a complete stranger were to come at me and prod me, shove me, yell at me, or make any rude comments, I'd probably snap and tear away at their face, bones, or even pin them on the ground and crush their trachea with the entirety of my jaws. Lucky me, my jaws are fucked up and get sore or jammed up ever so often, I can unlock the left side more than the right if I wanted to. It has proven to be exceptionally practical for eating large meals.

  Built up anger can be a bad thing in most situations, sometimes it can be good if you can direct it towards your goals, but most of the time it's really dangerous. I need more outlets for my stress.

  • 6:41 pm
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