I had a good day at the gym before the dreaded New Year, by raising a new personal record for DLs. Time goes too fast.

Dead lift – 225 lbs 10×1, 275 lbs 5×3, 285 lbs 5×1
Front squat – 120 lbs 10×5

Happy New Year.

Today I went to a new gym with 2 squat racks and discovered everyone doing fucking curls in them. A lot of these jerks haven’t read a damn thing about weight room etiquette. I had to wait 30 minutes for some asshole to finish his sets of curls in the squat rack. Curling in the squat rack is one of my biggest pet peeves, simply because there are these inventions called “curl bars” and “dumbbells” that most people with half a brain can figure out how to use. Squat racks should only be used for squats and overhead lifts.

Second thing to ruin my day is that I smelled smoking all over the place. Usually I don’t mind enough to get pissed off and sick, but the gym is the one place I don’t want to smell it. It really made me want to throw up after drinking a PWO shake and 2 liters of water. I also smelled it when I got home. My dad smokes all over the fucking house and it seeps through my doors and sometimes gets into my clothes. His place so I can’t really complain until I move out.

I’m 186 lbs now, I want to get to 200 by the end of next year.

So this evening, the snow piled up real good and I didn’t really think of driving my car so I borrowed my dad’s Ford Escape. That would of had to of been some of the most fun I’ve ever had in a long time. Plowing through mountains of snow and skimming straight through DEEP icy puddles, I felt like I was driving in WRC. The amount of grip was so much better compared to my FF and there was barely any drift during turns. It’s raining and the snow is starting to melt for now, but hopefully it will pile up again one day.

Lined up for boxing day sale at Visions at 3 AM and bought a crappy 8.1MP Samsung camera with a free Epson multi-printer for $88. CHEAP!

I love this freezing cold weather and if it gets any colder, I will not complain. I’m built for this crisp air saturated with an infinite amount of oxygen, pure and clear of dust and pollution. The greatest thing of all is how I can move around as fast as my lungs and heart can take me and barely even break a sweat. My high blood pressure is basically like having my heart over clocked and cooled with liquid nitrogen. Cheat codes!

My car is a FF with no ABS and I have no snow tires! I’m not driving around in it all day, so with the current conditions it’s somewhat acceptable to be driving around in this muck. It’s fun and I’m beginning to build an understanding of the physics of driving with front wheel drive in the snow, but the next car I get will definitely be a 4WD. Then I won’t have to stick to other people’s tracks and move super slow during turns.

HAHAHAHA, any more snow and I’m going to have to walk everywhere.

I need time to clear my mind.

Fuck… Caffeine plus high blood pressure = angry.

Why do I feel so angry? I don’t know.

There’s a monster inside of me in the deepest nook of my mind, the darkest cranny of my soul. It has always been there frozen and dormant, wishing and waiting to seize the perfect opportunity for control. No shape or form can describe it. No answer can say whether or not it has been simply sealed away for my own survival.

Sometimes I can feel it slamming against my thoughts in disagreement, urging me to do the unspeakable. When conflict strikes me at times, my anger may be easily dissolved, for this brooding monster quenches its absolute and infinite thirst for negativity and absorbs it in entirety, leaving me to feel cool and content with myself. But, if it does feed, why is it never satisfied? Why must it always lust the pain of those who deserve it in which it may offer pleasure unto my own heart? At times I feel that regardless of what situations I fall into, I may end up recklessly sacrificing my own safety and life just to hurt or kill a thief or murderer. Simply because their wronging goes against my moral standards and in the back of my head I feel that it is justified by attempting to take the only thing that was ever theirs.

Is it that I want to help and save someone, do I want to be a hero? No, these thoughts are not of heroism nor justice, but vengeance. Then again, vengeance could be just the only unlatched door in which the “monster” can escape from through my own maze of morale standards and codes. Something that most people are taught and brainwashed with since childhood so that we may happily coexist while minimizing conflict.

Even at times where absolutely nothing is wrong at all, there are thoughts of doing the worst imaginable thing possible floating around. To break something of great value or hurt a stranger or someone else of complete innocence to the naked eye? Could it be that I somehow inherently know that they have or will do wrong? No, perhaps not. These are the easiest of the urges to ignore, but I wonder why they are ever there to begin with.

When I hear or read of a story in which one is wronged. Say a family has their house broken, is robbed, beaten, raped, and/or killed, I am immediately angered and deep and within surges a strong chilling lust for the blood of the story’s perpetrators. I do not believe that this feeling is sexual, but it is akin to many other needs such as hunger or thirst. Starving myself does no harm, but without an outlet to disperse such emotions, could it?

There once was a time that I used to walk in the darkest of alleys and parks in the middle of the night just waiting for something bad to happen. Could it have been mere sadness that led me to believe that someone would relieve me of such torturous thoughts, was it a mere wish for death, because I was unwilling to take my life into my own hands. Or was I so lonely that I wanted a playmate that lacks any sense of morales and remorse, who deserved to be tortured and killed?

But it all comes back to one point, unspoken thoughts do not cause pain or damage to other people, it is actions that do.

My Xanga is totally screwed up. The rich text editor doesn’t work and now I can’t even post pictures on entries.

The Past
…is the actual form, foundation, ground work, and blue prints for who we are. In fact it is quintessentially WHO WE ARE, for without it we are nothing. Every mistake is a lesson learned and another notch to the belt of knowledge.(or sword, warhammer, whatever, you get it? YES? WTF!)

The Present
…is strategizing, structuring, and stabilizing for the what’s to come. Life is a freaking war battlefield of death, one false move and you’re a rotting corpse within a corpse, stripped of all your belongings and having your eyeballs, nipples and penis(es?) picked off by carrion crows. Plan your attack and bolster your defences! RAH, RAH, RAH!

The Future
…is a ruthless and unavoidable devil that wants to stab you in the face. If you survive the present, you won’t survive the future, but you can stand against it, pick your losses and put up a good fight. In the end it’s simply just how good of a fight one was able to lay down before they kick the bucket, am I wrong?

In the end I would like to be able to say that I lived a life worthy of living. Something wholesome and memorable. The struggling, blood and tears does not matter, for all that matters is the end game. In the end game we collect our memories and thoughts in review and self evaluate what we have become.