October 25, 2008

• More of the same old thing.

  Sometime I wonder if I’m actually mentally ill to a certain degree or it’s actually the other way around for the entire world. For me to keep peace of mind, every single thing has to hold an excess of practicality, everything must have a reason to some extent. Sometimes, my very actions and words can be carefully thought out a thousand times before actually making a move. Check and mate. It’s all a game of chess, with no motive of a grander scale to be foreseen. Rationalize, rationalize, and rationalize again. One of the biggest and hardest questions one can ask themselves is, “how do you plan out the bare bone strategy to live a meaningful life?”

  I’ve played a lot of Massive Multiplayer Online RPGs in my days. Alpha, beta, and retail versions. One of the first things a well seasoned MMO player can pick up is that it’s all about the grind. You can raise a bunch of low level characters in every single job class and become the real deal “Jack of All Trades, Master of None” and hold a little bit of beginner knowledge for a little bit of everything. That makes you interesting, but leaves you to be useless in the long run. In real life it’s all about the end game. It’s about choosing a path and becoming better at one single thing, better than anyone else. People want to work with those who are the best at something. That’s how you become useful, that’s how you become a valuable necessity.

  A lot of the times I feel lost and I lose my purpose, my meaning. I think too fucking much. I know that all I’m doing is tearing a hole in my chest and leaving myself empty, making myself feel useless. There’s so much that life has to offer, but after rationalizing over and over again I end up with nothing. Check and mate. Maybe I need some tranquilizers or something to just shut my mind up. If I didn’t have anything to tire me out such as the gym or work, I’d probably end up with my mind overclocked so fast that it would just burn it self out. It’s killing me, this thinking, I want clear water, a real well laid out path to just follow and finish. I get stressed out too easily. How do those piece of shit losers live so comfortably with such a crappy life, without decency or even hygiene?! It may not be easy to relate, but I envy those who can happily settle for below mediocrity. Maybe, I’m an elitist with nothing to show for it. Maybe I’m just another crazy, a masochistic narcissistic elitist, a high candidate for suicide. Maybe I think too much and need some tranquilizers.

  Pain shuts the mind off from thinking. It’s really great. I like to lift weights and feel like my tendons are going to snap in half. I like to eat spicy food and burn a hole in my tongue. I like it when you punch me in the face. Sure, it does scare some people, my laughing, smiling, happy face, a product of pain. It makes me happy, it clears away all the bad thoughts. I like to feel alive and have the emptiness subside. It’s better to feel something, even if it’s bad, than to feel nothing at all.

  • 3:05 pm
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