6×6 111lb full clean
3×2 111lb front squat
5×3 245lb romanian DL

didn’t eat much today… too busy!

I am absolutely horrible at communicating with people who are not my close friends. I’ve been known as quiet to those who don’t know me and very loud to those who do. Once again, I’m considering looking into Toast Masters which is a public speaking weekly workshop thingabob. Yeah, I’ve wanted to go before, but never got around to doing so.

Small talk could be a good practice, but in all honestly, I have always despised the mere concept of “small talk.” It seems redundant and excessive. One of the things I hate the most is when someone will ask, “how’s it goin’?” or “how are you?” and immediately walk away ignoring any dribbling words falling out of your mouth.

The interesting thing about beggers, homeless or just scammers is that they’re usually really good at pitching their little begging story. “Oh, excuse me. Hello my name is… I normally don’t do this, but I am in a very tough situation and only have $24.83 to take the Grey Hound bus and have to make it to a wedding for tomorrow morning. The bus ticket costs $29.99 plus tax and I was wondering if you would be kind enough to help me out even if it’s a few cents.” I was always taught to never give money to beggers. So, I humor them and savor the expression on their face when 5 minutes of talking only results in a single dime. But, really, I do admire some of their charisma.

Things I need/want to do:
Study
Gym/sprint more
Paint more portraits and vinyl figures.
Learn more about the mechanics of cars.
Learn Cantonese.
Join a Toast Masters.

5×5 185lb ATG back squat
3×12 35lb GHR

Shoulder joint screwed up from sleeping on it… couldn’t do cleans.

6×6 111lb full clean
3×3 111lb full clean and front squat
6×6 111lb bent over rows
5×5 155lb sumo DL
5×5 245lb romanian DL
3×3 265lb romanian DL

screwing around again… need a better AB routine.

Sometime I wonder if I’m actually mentally ill to a certain degree or it’s actually the other way around for the entire world. For me to keep peace of mind, every single thing has to hold an excess of practicality, everything must have a reason to some extent. Sometimes, my very actions and words can be carefully thought out a thousand times before actually making a move. Check and mate. It’s all a game of chess, with no motive of a grander scale to be foreseen. Rationalize, rationalize, and rationalize again. One of the biggest and hardest questions one can ask themselves is, “how do you plan out the bare bone strategy to live a meaningful life?”

I’ve played a lot of Massive Multiplayer Online RPGs in my days. Alpha, beta, and retail versions. One of the first things a well seasoned MMO player can pick up is that it’s all about the grind. You can raise a bunch of low level characters in every single job class and become the real deal “Jack of All Trades, Master of None” and hold a little bit of beginner knowledge for a little bit of everything. That makes you interesting, but leaves you to be useless in the long run. In real life it’s all about the end game. It’s about choosing a path and becoming better at one single thing, better than anyone else. People want to work with those who are the best at something. That’s how you become useful, that’s how you become a valuable necessity.

A lot of the times I feel lost and I lose my purpose, my meaning. I think too fucking much. I know that all I’m doing is tearing a hole in my chest and leaving myself empty, making myself feel useless. There’s so much that life has to offer, but after rationalizing over and over again I end up with nothing. Check and mate. Maybe I need some tranquilizers or something to just shut my mind up. If I didn’t have anything to tire me out such as the gym or work, I’d probably end up with my mind overclocked so fast that it would just burn it self out. It’s killing me, this thinking, I want clear water, a real well laid out path to just follow and finish. I get stressed out too easily. How do those piece of shit losers live so comfortably with such a crappy life, without decency or even hygiene?! It may not be easy to relate, but I envy those who can happily settle for below mediocrity. Maybe, I’m an elitist with nothing to show for it. Maybe I’m just another crazy, a masochistic narcissistic elitist, a high candidate for suicide. Maybe I think too much and need some tranquilizers.

Pain shuts the mind off from thinking. It’s really great. I like to lift weights and feel like my tendons are going to snap in half. I like to eat spicy food and burn a hole in my tongue. I like it when you punch me in the face. Sure, it does scare some people, my laughing, smiling, happy face, a product of pain. It makes me happy, it clears away all the bad thoughts. I like to feel alive and have the emptiness subside. It’s better to feel something, even if it’s bad, than to feel nothing at all.

A lot of the times I want to write something, but I just simply lack the inspiration and willpower to create a piece worthy of posting.

I’ll bring up the ‘new weblog entry,’ type a paragraph or two and then close the window out of disappointment.

There really isn’t much worth saying. Lately, everything seems quite pointless.

What’s the point of writing anything?

……………………..

Several years back everything in the world seemed dull and ridiculously pointless to me. Sure, every living thing in the world’s natural environment does it’s part and works together in synergy. It’s the circle of life, that makes sense!

However, everything that is relevant to human kind does not. We’re selfish, cruel, and create destruction that leads to more destruction.

There is no longer a purpose to being alive once you’re human. Once you are born as a human being you are nothing more than a worthless pile of chemical induced meat. Selfish. Unless you live in a tribe in the middle of nowhere, completely independent and self sufficient, you’re freaking garbage. You know it, I know it, everyone knows it. Sure, they may not admit it. But living the life as a human being doesn’t make the world a better place. We’d all be better off dead and rotting in the middle of a forest eaten by animals, scattered about, turned into feces, and used as compost for a bunch of trees.

So, we’re selfish. Either way we buy shit, throw our shit into landfills, and take shits. Worthless. Okay, so that’s settled.

By what’s even more mind boggling is how we “people” build these man-made artificial worlds around ourselves. It’s called ‘development.’ It’s the progression of human kind throughout history. Raise towers and all sort of structures, pave roads in every direction, shoot stuff into space. The most important living things ever. Fucking epic.

Let’s watch TV. Maybe play the new WoW game. Let’s eat a bunch of frozen sugary bovine breast milk. Masturbate to some animated pornography. Maybe eat something called chicken, but I never saw what it looked like when it was alive, but it could be chicken so I’ll eat it anyway. Hey, let’s have sexual intercourse with robots. Consume a bunch of chemicals. Put chemicals in your hair, in your teeth. Wipe your ass with dead trees. Let us be human beings.

If you look outside the box we’re really doing all of this for no greater goal. Perhaps, because it’s comfortable, because it makes us happy, because it’s easier. It’s stupid. It seems all so pointless to me.

Easier never gets you anywhere. Easier only makes you weaker. Evolution wise, we’re fucked. Take every living thing and put it on a brand new planet with a livable environment and we’re totally screwed. You going to dig for oil with a stick? Cut down a tree with your bare hands? Screwed. Our species isn’t going anywhere. We’re all going to devolve into ugly fat hunch-backed things that live to be over 100. Woopdeedoo!

So you’re probably thinking ‘Ok that was all so obvious, so just kill yourself then.’ As much as that would make sense. No.

Being human is worthless. Being human is useless. Being human is selfish.

Once again, another worthless human trait has to be emotions. Sometimes I feel as if I would be better off as an insect or some other type of small minded animal, reacting to life through natural instinct and nothing else.

No memories should be erased, for it is the quintessence which makes us who we are. Every experience is a lesson learned, to make us stronger and more prepared for the next. Even traumatic experiences can hold value by desensitizing our minds to that which a majority of human beings would be unable to deal with. Desensitizing is not such a quality which dehumanizes a person, but one which can prepare us to tolerate, adapt, and survive through unconventional means.

She is of the iron, which does not bend.
A lustrous craft, born to rend.
Hand upon hand, a dance through the night.
Her love gives me courage, as I send her a flight.
Forged upon fire, two edges of blade.
Glistening in crimson she sings me aubade.
This rapacious hunger and thirst does not end.
A kiss is a wound that I cannot mend.

Can’t stay focused. Our mind is fried. We need a cure. We must have complete clairvoyance. Until then we’re dead, underground in a shallow grave. So scatterbrained. Shatterbrained. Fallen so far. Need to get back on track. It’s as if all this time has been wasted. What a waste. Garbage. Fucking shit. Need. To. Get. Rid. Of. Distractions.

‘In the age of electric, flip the switch. The system is the only glitch.’